Single Mothers and the COVID-19 Pandemic

Single mothers are struggling to survive and parent during this COVID-19 pandemic. Now that things are starting to reopen (over three months later where we live), it’s worrying as to how safe it really is for our kids. 

Single mothers, and fathers too for that matter, already have it tough as it is. Now, let’s add the  pandemic, protests, riots, job losses, oh and the uncertainty if school will reopen in the fall, to the mix! Why NOT? It never really ends, does it?

In March, I had a little sliver of hope that by summer, all this would have gone away. You know, vanished! POOF! Nooooo…..

The COVID-19 pandemic has thrown single parents underneath a bus.

I’m thinking a big blue bus that passes through Los Angeles, full of germs and scattered with the foul aroma of the desperate. Precious bedtimes now overtaken by the nightmare of feeding them at odd hours. The eight hours of alone time while they are in school seems to be just a figment of my imagination. And honestly, the number of times I’ve heard the well-stocked refrigerator door opened and slammed shut only to be followed by “Mom, I’m hungry!” is right about atrocious.

So in the midst of 2020, COVID-19, and all the monstrosities, this year has already thrown at us (including the murder hornet, hurricanes, heat waves, and our fair share of earthquakes and rabies bats), I thought I’d try to find the silver lining in this all.. 

So here goes..

We’ve never had so much time together since they started school, pre COVID-19.

Wow, right! 

Our custodial time is not a joke! I see them barely half each week! On top of that, they are always in school during the day. The weekends fly by like there wasn’t a tomorrow! All of a sudden, to my pleasant surprise, they are right here! And I couldn’t ask for more.

Oh of course we get in each other’s hair, a lot. We bicker and argue when we feel smothered being around each other 24/7. Hell we even feel sometimes like we are just constantly getting in each other’s face and I really do not have any alone time in the bathroom much more.

However, it is such a blessing if you consider the fact that you actually get to spend so much time with them now with COVID-19. (We all know how the teenage years are going to be…)

With the right balance of activities, fun, and games, we’ve learned to co-exist around each other during this COVID-19 pandemic. Our extended periods of moments in the presence of one another have taught us many things. For one, we have learned to express our thoughts and feelings honestly, and when we feel them to address any concerns or tension from being around each other all the time. Also, we have learned to respect each other more and have more empathy towards each other. It can be such a beautiful thing if you find opportunities in every moment and work towards making this easier for everyone. 

We lean on each other more during COVID-19.

There is no one else around. Friends and family are only online or over the phone. We don’t get to meet the village we used to meet or hug the ones we love. Also, we were careful during these uncertain times. We kept mostly to ourselves and took long walks (masked) in our neighborhood. Honestly, we really tried to keep within and stay occupied. Yet with all this caution, we were left with only ourselves to deal with.

We rescued a dog right before Los Angeles went into lock down mode. She has been a blessing and a great lesson for myself and the children. We first had to learn to live with her habits and moods, which was not easy coming from a 7-year-old dog. On top of that, we had to make sure she was well-fed and walked at regular times each day. She is just the sweetest thing and her good nature really helped during this period.

Having said that, with no one else really around anymore, we learned to lean on each other. And, of course, the dog. She is a source of comfort for us and she has taught us a lot of patience for sure. When something is wrong or someone feels down, we turn to each other, and the dog, for comfort. When frustration creeps in, we voice our feelings and try to resolve it in a civil and productive manner. 

Often, hugs and kisses take away the tears, and sitting around in silence, holding each other banishes any painful thoughts. We discuss trivial matters and new ideas spontaneously. On a weekly basis, we start new projects without thinking twice about whether we have the time. We sit around and watch the hummingbirds fly by our kitchen window, not expecting to be anywhere but here.

We have learned to lean on one another. Whether it is for peace, laughter, or sadness, we know that we are all here for one another and that could be the single, most important thing in this world we live in today. 

We’ve created healthy boundaries.

It’s easy to be around your children all evening when you just dropped them off to school or had to leave for work. Now, it is an all-day, all-night parenting schedule having to constantly deal with homeschooling, online classes, too much screen time, and an overfeeding of little humans I thought only happened to squirrels. (And man, they are eating every hour, every day!)

With everything going on and everyone feeling cramped up within the walls we have to face every day, we had to set boundaries that would allow each of us to have our space yet still be here to support each other through it all. It was difficult at first of course, but we soon learned to settle in. 

One of the first boundaries we established was that each of us needed our quiet time, alone. Whether someone had to lay in bed for twenty minutes, or take a longer poop in the bathroom, we soon discovered what helped soothe the other and how we needed to respect that space. You had that space for as long as you needed and when you were ready, you would come out and give everyone a hug.

This “me” time worked wonders and everyone was kept in high spirits for longer periods throughout the day. 

Another important boundary was that we now have our own cabbies. The kids have started journaling each day to express their feelings and thoughts, and they could stash that journal away, along with all their other precious things and findings in a little space that no one else could access. 

This was a great boundary and space for everyone. We could make gifts for birthdays (we’ve had to celebrate two in lock down!) and hide these cards and gifts without worrying that they would get discovered before tomorrow. The kids were no longer afraid that the one would mess around with their favorite toy or creation. 

And to my surprise, when they were ready, they would invite me to take a tour of their little cabby or space! That must have been one of the few times in this pandemic that I’ve seen them so excited to share their “stuff” and explain every bit and piece they had in there.

These are just a few things we’ve learned to appreciate during these tough times. It is not easy for everyone. No, not even that perfect, well-groomed, proper mother you used to see in the school yard every morning. 

We are all struggling, and we are all in this together.